Another year over, A new one just begun

I feel I should blog, that I should at least acknowledge the end of one year and the beginning of another. But considering I haven't posted in months and I haven't acknowledged the other milestones that the past year brought it's not seeming necessary...

So simply- 2010 was the hardest, most emotional, most incredible year of my life.

I cried more, laughed more, smiled more and applauded more this year than any other.

So thank you to everyone who contributed, I love you all.



And somehow, I don't see myself blogging anymore this year than the last. My life really just isn't that interesting :D

questions-

what happens if its not enough?
what happens if im not enough?


how long can you go without sleeping?


how much can you keep from someone before its lying?


how do you concentrate when you know you should be somewhere else?





how long can you fall apart silently before it becomes too much?

what am i meant to do?

uncertainty

everythings changing.
I used to know what I wanted to be
I used to know where I fitted in
I used to know who I was
but now I'm just not so sure

IVE REALLY GOT TO STOP KIDDING MYSELF

ITS NOT OKAY,
ITS NEVER GOING TO BE OKAY,
PEOPLE ARE ALWAYS GOING TO HAVE ISSUES WITH IT,
I'M ALWAYS GOING TO HAVE TO DEAL WITH SHIT,
LAST NIGHT JUST SEEMED SO GOOD,
I LET MYSELF BELIEVE THAT MAYBE, JUST MAYBE IT WOULD BE ALRIGHT.
THIS MORNING REMINDED ME THAT NOTHING IS ALRIGHT,
THAT THIS WILL ALWAYS BE A PROBLEM

BUT ITS WORTH IT.
ITS WORTH THE CRAP,
ITS WORTH THE EFFORT,
ITS WORTH LYING.

I JUST SOMETIMES WISH IT WAS EASIER,
I JUST SOMETIMES WISH PEOPLE WOULD LEAVE IT ALONE.

BUT THEN I REMEMBER THAT THAT WILL NEVER HAPPEN.
I REMEMBER THAT IT WILL ALWAYS BE LIKE THIS.
THAT ILL ALWAYS HAVE TO DEAL WITH THIS.

AND I REMEMBER THAT YOUR WORTH IT.
YOUR WORTH THE CRAP,
YOUR WORTH THE EFFORT,
I JUST WISH IT WAS EASIER.

I'M JUST NOT SURE HOW MUCH MORE OF THIS I CAN TAKE....

sometimes you can't help but just want to hit something...

or someone

realisation

it took me 17 years to work it out but i have finally realised that things will get better- life will slowly work itself out.
it may suck for a while but eventually you will be able to feel like you can breathe again



i have realised that i cant fix everyones elses problems for them..especially when i cant fix my own. but i can be there to listen and support them
i have realised that i need to focus and i need to sort out my problems and sometimes i need to say no
i have realised that talking to people and letting people in isn't a bad thing. that trusting someone is better than cutting yourself off, regardless of how it works out for you in the end



i have realised that i might just be happy at the moment
regardless of some things, I'm happy
and believing that life might just work itself out for once :)

xo

checkmate

you asked me what you should expect
bad or really bad.....


but how can i answer that? what am i meant to say?






did it hurt that you even thought it? yes
do i understand why you thought it, where the idea came from? absolutely
does that help me with dealing with it, with moving on? Definitely not
do i hate being compared to people? more than anything
do i feel terrible for even thinking this?



of course i do!



i have no right to be annoyed, to be angry....
but i cant help it!














i cant help feeling hurt, confused and angry
at you, at me, at him, at the situation.












now were going to talk and i don't know what to say.
i want to tell you that you hurt me, but i cant....i cant do that to you
i want to tell you that you didn't hurt me...but i cant do that either
i cant do that to myself and i definitely cant do that to you!


so where do we go from here?
what do we do?


because this time we cant just ignore it......
this time we need to talk.



what I'm going to say is still the unanswered question....