i miss you

it was nice last night
we haven't spent time together for a while
I've missed you

i see you almost everyday
yet its not the same
it used to be easy now everything just seems to be a bit messed up

but

it felt different last night
like how it used to be

maybe its because you were less stressed then usual
you seemed more carefree and happy

or maybe their right and i have changed and for once i was back to my normal self just for that moment

we seemed to fit again last night
be able to muck around, enjoy ourselves
everything that's been bothering us lately seemed to disappear for a few short hours

i miss that
i miss being able to wander off and forget about everything
i miss not needing to forget anything
i miss seeing you happy and unstressed
i miss us
i miss you

everything is different now
its not a bad thing as such, just.....different
we've grown apart
it wasn't until recently that i realised how much
it wasn't until recently that i realised how much i missed it
how much i rely on you
how much i need you

its the old cliche of 'i need you to need me'
i need you there
i need you next to me
to hold my hand, to laugh at me, to tell me to swallow and breathe
i hadn't notice what a permanent fixture you'd become in my life
i cant imagine my life without you nor do i want to
yet recently I've felt like i might have to
i know your not leaving and i know you still love me
but its different now
just another thing that's different
you don't need me as much anymore
i may be your best but I'm not necessarily your closest
i miss that and i want it back

but that's not my choice to make is it?
i cant make you need me can i?
sometimes i wish i could
i know its selfish and i know its childish but i cant help it
humans are meant to be selfish creatures right?
well I'm proving it
i want us back to the way we used to be

we were last night for that brief amount of time
mucking around, laughing, falling on each other
it was just like its always been for us
easy

i know i cant change things and i know that this might be my fault
how can i be annoyed at you for getting closer to other people when I'm doing the exact same thing
i just wish it didn't come between us so much
its not on purpose and its not your fault or theirs
if anything its mine
i should have talked to you first
or payed more attention
i should be there for you more
and I'm sorry for that

I'm sorry for what your going through at the moment
and I'm sorry I'm contributing to it
I'm sorry if you feel like you in the middle or you have to take sides
i know its not easy and I'm part of it
I'm sorry i haven't been there for you like i promised myself i would be

but last night was good
last night was us
last night was before all this crap
last night was like year eight or nine again

i want us to go back to that
i want to be able to promise to be there for you and actually do it
i want to be who i was while still being who i am
and i want to be your best friend again

I'm sorry if their right
I'm sorry if I've changed
and I'm sorry if i hurt you

your my sister in everything but blood C i love you
and i miss you

xo