water

i think should start concentrating
trying, bothering
i think i should actually open the books rather then just looking at them
stop making excuses for not doing it
I've put it off for this long
i really should start

but i don't want to
and i have no self control
so i cant make myself

so instead i do everything i shouldn't do
and neglect what i really should be doing

i want to go in the pool
or to the beach
i really just want to swim
to dive under the waves and feel them crash down on top of me
to feel the freedom of being under water
where its silent, its cool, and where everythings just....good

i want to talk to him
i always feel better after talking to him
he make me feel, i don't know what the right word is,
happy maybe, free, like nothing matters
i seem to be able to laugh and muck around with him even when i feel like crap
it was always like this, but for some reason i only seem to talk to him once every month or so
i miss him sometimes

i want to see her
to laugh, to muck around, to joke, to tease each other
theres no pressure when its the two of us
its like we fit together perfectly
you make me happy,
as simple as that
i want to pass the football, to tackle each other, to just spend time together
its just so easy

i want to talk to you again
to not have this crap going on,
but to truly talk like we used to
before all this happened
before you started ignoring me

i want to go back a few weeks
to when times weren't as complicated
when i didn't have a million emotions messing up my head
I've ignored every one of them these last few weeks,
these last few days
but theres only so long that you can push them down and make them go away
because one day you'll explode and everything you've been hiding away, hoping that no one will ever see will be out there for everyone to see

do you know the one thing i hate more than anything else?
standing out
i hate being different
i hate drawing attention to myself
because then everyone notices you and you've left yourself open to them
when you're nobody you cant get hurt because theres no one there that truly knows you
when you stand out, when you let people in
that's when everything goes haywire
when i start to freak out

i hate emotions sometimes
they mess up situations and they complicate things
emotions take a simple situation and screw it up until they've managed to hurt everyone involved

i want to go swimming
to lose myself under water
because under water nothing matters
theres no stress, no worries, no problems
everything that's bothering you just floats away as you move

i want to swim until everything is over
until its just me and all the stress has disappeared
until emotions have gone and everything is how it should be

i just want to be under water away from everything

xo