expectations and masks

superficial, fake, artificial
different from shallow, false or phony
although many would consider them the same

the first are an act, the emotions aren't real, they're simply a mask put in place to hide whats underneath
the second are wrong, they're real emotions and feelings used to hide who they truly are from those around them

the first is used to protect themselves, the second is used to change themselves

whats wrong with covering up what you feel, with showing no emotion, why shouldn't we each create a mask that we only let own around certain people



whats wrong with never letting that mask down


the problem is that although you may start with that plan it never works out for you, one day you will be forced to drop the facade and you must know then who you truly are.....


i have a mask and it works perfectly. people have stopped caring about how i feel each second of the day
they no longer seem to worry how events affect me
they seem to think that insults and sneers just bounce off my back....and that's what i want them to think

my mask is built from whats inside, from my true personality
i am sarcastic- but that doubles as a defence mechanism
i don't cry- but that just makes me seem tough
i do argue- but that just makes it seem like i don't care
all of these are who i am, i just build on them and make them seem more noticeable in order to create my mask

this mask that makes insults slide off, sneers disappear and problems go away
this mask that makes people assume that i feel nothing and that i don't care
this mask that makes even my best friend forget when I've almost started crying to her because obviously it doesn't really matter

this mask has helped me bypass conversations about feelings that i really don't want to endure

but what happens when you find someone you can drop this mask around
what happens when theres someone there who can see past the facade
there are many people that i partially drop this mask for, s and t particularly, but what if you find someone else
then comes the problem of letting down that mask because when that's who you've become to everyone else its hard to become someone different, even your true self, for someone else
this leaves you open to getting hurt
with my mask i can cover my feelings, I'm expected to cover my feelings if to feel anything at all
my mask gives me the strength to ignore the insults, to let the snide comments waste away
but even they hurt, even they affect me....its just no one notices
or i don't let anyone

without the mask id be open to anything
so is it worth it
well the question really is
is she worth it????
is it worth leaving myself open to be hurt to be myself with her?
is it worth risking myself for her?
is it worth dropping my mask, this facade for her?

funnily enough its not really a question
the simple answer yes
and even though it scares the shit out of me i know its worth it, that shes worth it

i love you k

now i just need to work out who i am without my mask.....

xo