Ward 9A North

i hate hospitals

maybe its because of the time i spent there when i was younger?
or because you never go there unless somethings wrong?
or because you know that some of the people you see there wont make it?

when i was little i had ear problems
i had something growing in my ears that shouldn't be there

the doctor was quite surprised because its rare
so he decided that it wouldn't go away and that it would have to be removed
that required an operation and while i wasn't a bad kid the one thing i hated more than anything else was needles
so needless to say mum and dad were quite worried when they heard this because it would require quite a few needles
i was 6 years old at this stage
so i went to the hospital, layed in the bed, got the drip inserted into my hand after mum bribed me and dad restrained me then got wheeled off into this massive white room surrounded by masked faces of people i didn't know
for a 6 year old that was scary enough let alone the fact that i then needed another needle for the anesthetic
thankfully the doctor was nice and told me a story while they were putting the needle in. i still remember it
it involved a park and white horses
i also remember that the needle still hurt

a few weeks later i went back to the specialist and he realised that they hadn't removed it all so i had to go through the whole process again

at seven years old i had 2 operations, gone to movie world and kicked dad a couple of million times when he restrained me

year three was a bad year
the specialist realised that not only did i have this growth in my left ear but also my right
this growth was incredibly rare...to have it in one ear was unusual but to have it in both was unheard of
my specialist liked me then
not only was i young but i was different
my condition was interesting, not something he saw everyday

so i went through 3 more operations until they deemed my ears to be acceptable
i was left with something like 1/2 my hearing in my left ear and 1/4 of it in my right, a scar behind my right ear and one on my right hand where multiple needles were inserted.by the last operation and the needles to come i hardly reacted to them, i still flinch and i still hate them but no longer do i need to be restrained or bribed. I've gone though it soo much that I've gotten used to it

i haven't broken a bone or been badly injured yet i have had 5 operations...the best part is though that the doctors expect me to need more in the future

this period in my life has left me with a hatred of hospitals
just visiting someone in one is terrible. i feel uncomfortable and slightly sick remembering all the times i was in there

i had to go this afternoon to visit someone

as i walked in i felt small again
such a massive building full of people who were sick or injured
some of whom wont leave
it brought back memories and i hated it
as i walked along i got more and more uncomfortable
as we past the beds and doorways i began to wish that i had never come
i knew that she would appreciate it but it really was hard

the worst part was seeing her though
lying in the bed with tubes attached she looked soo fragile and old
if i was worried before i was even more so now

it was hard sitting there and making conversation without reliving my memories
as we talked about the food i remembered when D and L were there and D ate all 3 of the jellies
when ever she adjusted the tube at her nose i remembered the pain of getting the drip put in my hand
as bed were wheeled around i remembered being on them being wheeled into surgery

i know she appreciated the visit
and I'm happy i made the effort
yet i wish i didn't have to
the memories, the smell, the feel
its all the same and its still as painful

i hope she gets better soon
I'm worried and i really don't want to have to go back
i know that sounds bad but i cant handle it

as i walked out the door of the hospital it was one of the best feelings I've felt
i hate that place, whether I'm a patient, visiting or just looking at a picture
i hate it

i never want to go back

please get better soon
I'm worried about you

xo