questions-

what happens if its not enough?
what happens if im not enough?


how long can you go without sleeping?


how much can you keep from someone before its lying?


how do you concentrate when you know you should be somewhere else?





how long can you fall apart silently before it becomes too much?

what am i meant to do?

uncertainty

everythings changing.
I used to know what I wanted to be
I used to know where I fitted in
I used to know who I was
but now I'm just not so sure

IVE REALLY GOT TO STOP KIDDING MYSELF

ITS NOT OKAY,
ITS NEVER GOING TO BE OKAY,
PEOPLE ARE ALWAYS GOING TO HAVE ISSUES WITH IT,
I'M ALWAYS GOING TO HAVE TO DEAL WITH SHIT,
LAST NIGHT JUST SEEMED SO GOOD,
I LET MYSELF BELIEVE THAT MAYBE, JUST MAYBE IT WOULD BE ALRIGHT.
THIS MORNING REMINDED ME THAT NOTHING IS ALRIGHT,
THAT THIS WILL ALWAYS BE A PROBLEM

BUT ITS WORTH IT.
ITS WORTH THE CRAP,
ITS WORTH THE EFFORT,
ITS WORTH LYING.

I JUST SOMETIMES WISH IT WAS EASIER,
I JUST SOMETIMES WISH PEOPLE WOULD LEAVE IT ALONE.

BUT THEN I REMEMBER THAT THAT WILL NEVER HAPPEN.
I REMEMBER THAT IT WILL ALWAYS BE LIKE THIS.
THAT ILL ALWAYS HAVE TO DEAL WITH THIS.

AND I REMEMBER THAT YOUR WORTH IT.
YOUR WORTH THE CRAP,
YOUR WORTH THE EFFORT,
I JUST WISH IT WAS EASIER.

I'M JUST NOT SURE HOW MUCH MORE OF THIS I CAN TAKE....

sometimes you can't help but just want to hit something...

or someone

realisation

it took me 17 years to work it out but i have finally realised that things will get better- life will slowly work itself out.
it may suck for a while but eventually you will be able to feel like you can breathe again



i have realised that i cant fix everyones elses problems for them..especially when i cant fix my own. but i can be there to listen and support them
i have realised that i need to focus and i need to sort out my problems and sometimes i need to say no
i have realised that talking to people and letting people in isn't a bad thing. that trusting someone is better than cutting yourself off, regardless of how it works out for you in the end



i have realised that i might just be happy at the moment
regardless of some things, I'm happy
and believing that life might just work itself out for once :)

xo

checkmate

you asked me what you should expect
bad or really bad.....


but how can i answer that? what am i meant to say?






did it hurt that you even thought it? yes
do i understand why you thought it, where the idea came from? absolutely
does that help me with dealing with it, with moving on? Definitely not
do i hate being compared to people? more than anything
do i feel terrible for even thinking this?



of course i do!



i have no right to be annoyed, to be angry....
but i cant help it!














i cant help feeling hurt, confused and angry
at you, at me, at him, at the situation.












now were going to talk and i don't know what to say.
i want to tell you that you hurt me, but i cant....i cant do that to you
i want to tell you that you didn't hurt me...but i cant do that either
i cant do that to myself and i definitely cant do that to you!


so where do we go from here?
what do we do?


because this time we cant just ignore it......
this time we need to talk.



what I'm going to say is still the unanswered question....

complications

"Katie, I can't stand this. I'm a person, I'm not you."
"I know."
"You have to understand Katie, I love you and I'll never really leave you, but I can't fix this. I like girls, no I like a girl. No, I love her, okay?"
".....I love her."



sometimes things just make sense.....



but that just fucks it all up again






i love you too....

a year on

It's ironic how blogs written almost a year ago are still soo relevant...










I'm still not good enough for you

life

don't you hate it when you cant actually talk about what you need to
when the one place your meant to be able to vent you cant
when you cant talk to the one person who you need most
when you have no right to feel the way your feeling

trust me your not the only one with problems
you just the only one brave enough to talk about them
and i know what you mean; i wish no one could read this
so that it could actually mean something
so i could vent without hurting the one person that matters most

but I'm here for you
you know that right
that you can vent to me
that no matter what the problem is, or how your feeling ill always be here for you

i just realised that you might not read this
but hopefully you do

ill call you soon and we can d&m
it sounds like you need it

I'm always here for you
no matter what it is

xo

YOUR'E A BITCH

you have NO right to do that to her

no one does, but especially not you

she needed you and you just turn your back on her and make her feel worse

i hope your happy..because you just hurt her when she needed you most

i dont care if your hurt, or if you were uncomfortable

she needed you and you werent there for her

worse than that, your not willing to be there for her

you don't deserve her!!

life..

you ask me if its okay..
i wish i could say yes and mean it

wait.. that's not right..
i do say yes, that its okay..that it doesn't bother me

what i want is to say no,
that its not okay, that it hurts
that i don't want you to

but i cant..
because that's not fair
and i wouldn't do that to you

don't worry, ill get used to it
..ill have to

xo

GAME 1

Broncos vs Cowboys
30-24

slightly disappointing...
but thurston played well so its all good :D

thanks babe :)

xo

TO DO LIST

- call Caitlin
- call work
- sign up to tutoring on moodle
- call Bec
- talk to parents about going to the city
- reference for english
- talk to Ms Barlow
- sign up for open netball trials
- talk to Carly
- talk to Stepho
- talk to Kristy
- sort out immunizations
- give note to Ms Hess
- practice english
- talk to Gabe
- sort out Friday night
- sort out Saturday night
- ring other work
- text allesia about choir
- get allesias number to text her about choir
- collect money for chocolates
- attempt to work out a formal partner
- sort out group interviews with Ms Smart
- maths: exercise 6E
- legal studies: part A
- chemistry: questions and research
- sor: read the book and complete booklets
- try not to pass out or throw up

I've completed about two of those so far...

and i really just want to sleep.....

ARE YOU OKAY?

its an interesting question,
everyone asks it,
i always wonder if they actually care about the answer though
if they care whether you actually are okay or not, or if they're just asking because they think they should

i got asked that about 10 times this morning alone
my answer, 'im fine'
in my head, 'of course im not okay'
but you cant say that because then you have to explain why..and i cant explain why

I'm not tired and I'm not sick like i have been all week..
well i am but that's not why I'm upset

its just something you said, that i found out last night
and i probably have no right to be upset about it
its just....i don't know...

i just am and...

i don't know what to do, because to you it doesn't matter

but to me it means alot more....

Self-confidence

Definitions:

Realistic confidence in one's own judgment, ability, power, etc.
- Dictionary.com

A person's belief that he or she can succeed.
- Answers.com

A mental attitude of trusting or relying on yourself
- Unknownknowledge.com

Synonyms:

self- esteem, self- assurance, faith in ones-self, courage, belief in your self, positive self- image

so many definitions, so many synonyms
pity none of them seem to apply to me

luckily i can fake it
luckily no one realises how their comments hurt
how being ignored makes me feel
how i don't fit in
how i actually feel most of the time

Always

it was hard to sit by and see you hurting
to know what was wrong, why you were crying
but to be unable to do anything about it
nothing i could do would comfort you like she was
so i left you there crying in her arms
because she understands you better
she may not realise it or know how to fix everything
but she is there for when you need her and she will never let you go
i love you too beautiful girl but in that moment you needed her not me
so i walked away, i left you in her arms
but I'm here too, if you ever need me, ill always be here no matter what
xoxo

I'm not sure

whether I'm being unfair to you or not
whether i should leave you alone or not
whether its okay that i still act the same around you or not
whether I'm annoying you or not

I'm sorry if I'm doing the wrong thing...

17

"It's my birthday. Can I ask for something?"

(lol couldn't resist the twilight reference)

today was slightly disappointing as birthdays go
not because of the presents i got or what i did...
because of the people i didn't see and the news i received
i was excited for today and i was looking forward to it
and it was great...
it just felt like something was missing
oh well we shall see i suppose


at least next year will be better :P

'fine'

no one is ever fine
everyone says 'I'm fine' but their lying
they just don't want to talk about it

that's fair enough i suppose
but its still fucking annoying
i know somethings wrong, but your always 'fine'
i want to know whats bothering, and don't even try to say that's nothings wrong cause i know there is but whenever i ask you reply is always "I'm fine"

if the roles were reversed id do the same thing, id say the same to everyone
but i would tell you
if you asked, if you noticed something was wrong then id tell you
and you'd expect me to, but you never do the same in return

maybe your just used to relying on yourself, so you don't need other people
but i care and i hate it when your upset
even if you don't tell me whats wrong, at least admit something is actually wrong
i thought we agreed to that, but obviously it only works one way

because your always 'fine'
your distant and cold, but when i ask your response is simply, "nothings wrong, I'm fine"
of course you are, just like I'm not hurt by it

your not fine and neither am i
but at least I'm willing to admit it

2009

for the last few days I've been trying to reflect on the last year
it was...interesting to say the least :P
school was harder
friendships were difficult
relationships changed
but i realised that i wouldn't change any decisions i made
i regret how somethings worked out but ill never regret anything i did
2009 was a good year, and i wouldn't change a second of it

so although its late, HAPPY NEW YEAR to everyone
and thank you for making last year so good :)

xo