one moment

it hurt at the time
so much
it was confusing
i don't usually feel like that
but this hurt
i know it wasn't intentional
your reaction afterwards proved that
but in that moment it hurt
alot
i don't know how to feel
this was new
it wasn't like that before
i didn't react like that before
this time i felt curling up in a ball and crying
I'm not usually like that
it doesn't usually affect me
it shouldn't affect me
but this time it did
it was new
i didn't like it
i don't want to be like that
but i couldn't help it
in that one moment i felt like crying
i realised quickly i was over reacting
and I'm fine
just confused by how i felt in that one moment

i miss you

i promised myself i wouldn't let it happen
i knew things would change, they inevitably had to
but i promised myself i wouldn't let it affect our friendship
but it has
all of ours, we were so close just a couple of months ago
i knew things would change i just wish they didn't have to
i miss you
all of you
how easily we got along, how good we all were together
how there was no pressure when we spend time together
i wrote a couple of months ago that it was you three who understood me, that i felt more comfortable around you three than anyone else
i miss that feeling
i know its still there and i know its true, i just haven't felt it for a while
because i pushed you all away
and for that I'm sorry
i never meant it to happen, but i didn't do anything to stop it either
for the past few weeks it was easier to ignore the issue then think about it, so that's what i did
it was selfish and childish and I'm sorry that i acted that way
i miss you all
and i wish i could change parts of the last few months
i wish we could go back to how we felt a couple of months ago
but we cant
i just hope you accept my apology and we can move on
i love you three and i miss you all heaps

xo

holidays

tired, sore and sunburned :(
but the last two days were amazing :)

xo

for once

things just seem to have a way of working themselves out
:)

indecision

maybe just maybe

sadly mistaken

i don't think you realise that i mean it

hopeless

you would think by now i would be dealing with it
its been over a month after all
but its still just as hard
things just keep reminding me that your not here
i keep losing things that are important to me
it just keeps happening around me
reminding me of what happened
not letting me move on
but sometimes theres just nothing you can do
that's the worst part

The Attorney General

on Wednesday the Attorney General came and spoke to us
before the talk Ms Bartlett asked if anyone aspired to eventually make it that high in the legal system, i didn't put my hand up then but i thought about it and after hearing him speak i realised that's what i want to do. the way he described his job was incredible, the legislation we discuss and which is enforced, he has helped to create. he has introduced bills which are later turned into laws. he actually does something which makes a difference.
in class the day before we had discussed the new surrogacy laws; on Wednesday then he started to discuss them. he had had an active role in the development and passing of that legislation. i always knew that it occurred but to have someone talking to you about it and actually having first hand experience in it was amazing. the way he discussed introducing bills and passing legislation, like it was nothing, was incredible. he knew how lucky he was, yet it was still just a job for him. he wasn't cocky or up himself, he just explained it and told us what hes done.

he was born on the south side of Brisbane, went to university, studied law, became a lawyer. worked as a solicitor and barrister, in both the private and public sectors. at 27 he went over to one of the islands in the pacific and worked as a volunteer as a lawyer there, alongside their Attorney General. after a year the Attorney General there decided he wanted more study and so the attorney general left to study at university for a year leaving him in charge. at 27 years of age he was the acting Attorney General of a country, newly independent. he returned to Australia and earlier this year, in March he was elected as member for greenslopes, at the same time he was appointed Attorney General. he is in his mid 30's and he is a member of parliament and Attorney General of Queensland.

when asked why he wanted to be Attorney General, why he liked the job his answer wasn't one that was expected. of course no one expected to say 'for the money', but his answer was so honest and sincere that you realised he truly was there because he wanted to help people.

as i sat there listening to him, i saw Kristy whisper to Irene in front of me that he was amazing, i couldn't help but agree because not only was he successful at a young age but he was honest and he was genuine, and he really was there to help others. in that moment i decided that was my aim. maybe not Attorney General, but something like that. i want to reach the level where i can help people, truly help them and make a difference.

afterwards i was talking to Kristy and she once again remarked that he was amazing, i had to agree and we both commented that you can tell a guy is incredible when he can talk about law for 70 minutes and you don't get bored :p then i was talking to Gabe and she asked me about it. i told her pretty much what this blog has said; the way he talked and the life he has led is incredible. even she was impressed by him and she wasn't even there.

those 70 minutes were some of the most amazing of my life and i don't think ill ever forget his visit. i learnt more in that time then in any lesson I've attended, certainly worth missing maths for XD

xo

insecure

you made me question everything,
it was meant to clear everything up, so we could get over it
move on
but it only made me more confused, made me question myself and how i act
i don't know what to do now
how to act, or who to be
it hurt, it really hurt
and i don't think you even realised you said it, that it affected me
i cant look at them the same anymore,
i always think its about me, that they don't like me
that its all a lie, a cover
that one day everyone will turn around and laugh at me
I'm confused, I'm hurt and i really don't like it
but theres nothing i can do about it
that's the hardest part

so fucking pissed at the moment

feels like crap

sometimes its hurts
but no one seems to notice
or care

if only for a moment

for a few moments today, i think, for the first time in a while, i was happy

it felt good. i miss it

xo

when it matters most

i feel like i should write something about last Friday
but it doesn't feel appropriate
blogging here i cant explain who she was, or how she influenced me
how much i loved her and how much ill miss her

so instead ill say thank you:
to everyone who cared
by either hugging me and asking if i was okay
or leaving me alone when i needed it most
it meant the world to me and i don't think i would have gotten through it without you

my biggest thank you goes to you
for being my shoulder to cry on
i truly wouldn't have gotten through it without you
from the bottom of my heart, thank you babe
i love you

xo

decisions

sometimes its just not the same anymore

i know its for the best, but its still kinda sad

xo

cold

i felt my phone ring,
and i went cold
i don't think I've ever been more relieved to find that it wasn't you

xo

situations

you know the feeling when your on edge
i had that today

when you hear something that you weren't expecting from someone you defiantly weren't expecting it from
i had that today

or maybe i was expecting it i just told myself i wasn't

i guess we both should have been
but i still feel bad that shes going through this
she'll get through it though,
shes strong

but maybe she shouldn't have to

why must people ask questions and analyse situations
why cant everyone just leave it alone and realise its none of their business

but that's not what made me on edge
i felt bad that they're asking her but that's not what gave me this feeling

it was when you asked me,
and i couldn't answer
i laughed and i joked and i answered your other questions
but i didn't answer that one,
well not properly anyway
I'm not sure if you noticed and let it slide, thank you if you did
or whether i looked calmer then i felt on the inside

to tell you the truth, i cant
i cant answer that question because I'm not sure what the answer is
I'm confused and at one moment i think one thing and the next i think something else
i know what would be easier but I'm not sure if its the truth
i cant just say that, especially to you
you deserve the truth and I'm sorry i cant give that to you

all i can give you at the moment is that I'm confused
if you noticed that i didn't answer the question today, its not that i don't trust you its just that i don't know
I'm not sure how to explain it or what anything even means
if i ever figure it out ill let you know
but right now my heads just messed up
I'm sorry

i have to say though, we should have another lunchtime like that again
i missed you

xo

The End

Each year, as sad as it seems, i look forward to the start of the football season
i mark it on my calendar and count down the days until the opening game
'Broncos vs Cowboys'
i went to that game this year and i plan to go next year as well

each week we tip for that particular round and i tip the same teams most weeks
i watch the Friday night games and hope that a Queensland team or Melbourne are playing
then on Sunday mornings i read the paper, flip straight to the sports section to see if the cowboys had won or lost, and where they were now positioned on the table

yesterday was the last game of the season, the grand final
parramatta eels vs Melbourne storm
parramatta had come from eighth position to make it to the grand final, they'd beaten teams 1, 2 and 3 and were trying to beat 4
a pretty good effort
Melbourne had only played 2 games in the final series, they'd beaten the broncos so not many Queensland people were supporting them
but for most parramatta was a sydney team, they had hayne and that was enough reason to hate them and support their opposition
plus Melbourne is practically the fourth Queensland team as their best are Queenslander's :)

yesterday Melbourne and parramatta played and...
MELBOURNE WON!!!!
23 - 16
Slater won the Clive Churchill medal
and Inglis, Cronk and Johnson all played brilliantly as well
all Queensland XD

so the season finished for another year
and i have to wait until next year to see them play again
but luckily there are test matches
plus the cricket starts soon :)

next year though COWBOYS FOR THE PREMIERSHIP
AND THURSTON FOR THE DALLY M

XD

xo

Six Months

I'm not really good with words
that's more your area
but to put it simply...

i love you gorgeous

xo

The Grand Final

Melbourne vs parramatta

neither team is the cowboys, or even a Queensland team
but Melbourne has Queensland players; slater, inglis, cronk, smith...
plus folau used to play for them
and hayne plays for parramatta
and parramatta is a sydney team
so...

GO MELBOURNE!!!!!!!
or billy depending who you ask XD

i said i would

BRONCOS VS TITANS
Saturday night September 12th 6.30pm
skilled park stadium
40-32

BRONCOS VS DRAGONS
Saturday night September 19th 7.55pm
suncorp stadium
24-10

BRONCOS VS STORM
Saturday night September 26th 7.45pm
etihad stadium
10-40

i went to the first two games
i was going for the broncos against the titans cause i didn't want them to be knocked out
i was going for them against the dragons because i don't like the dragons
they won each time and it was incredible
at each game the stadium was almost full
the atmosphere was amazing

last night i watched the game at home
for the first time in the finals series i wasn't wearing a broncos jersey
Melbourne smashed Brisbane
it was a great game

Slater was amazing
Inglis proved he was much better then Hodges
smith wasn't an idiot and will play next week
Melbourne showed why they're into their fourth consecutive grand final

finally lockyer didn't kick to folau
folau against turner was the only match up that Brisbane could win and it wasn't until the 80th minute that lockyer kicked for him
still it was a great try....just a little late

so that was the last game that hunt will play in the nrl
and I'm happy
i never did like him
he'll suit afl
they whine as well
he'll fit right in

Melbourne against parramatta next week
4th plays 8th
GO MELBOURNE!!!!!!!
i still hate hayne

the only reason i kinda wanted Brisbane to win last night was cause you support them
i knew you wanted them to win, so part of me wanted them to win too
that and the fact that folau is amazing and i love him

anyway that's the last 3 weeks of nrl summed up
i told you i would write about it eventually
the only thing left to do is hope that Melbourne trash the eels
that hayne gets suspended and therefore misses the final
and that Thurston signs back on with the cowboys

xo

renata's party

so which do i pull off better, mad hatter or padua uniform?
well your arse looked better in the padua uniform...
*lifts jacket*
actually it doesn't look too bad now either

just so you know, theres a naked man which fuzzy hair on your chest
well theres one on your chin
i know they always seem to miss my mouth

so donkey, dog or rabbit?
i really don't want to answer that

mr smith aye
*eyebrows raised*

i always thought you were so straight and studious
studious?
*almost falls off seat laughing*
well i thought straight was an interesting choice of words
i never thought of that
*laughs once again*

wafer bites
twisties
watermelon with tomato sauce

I'm in your heart...
literally

you were that guy
indeed i was

is there a reason she calls you a man?
no its just a joke
can anyone prove it?
....no
you had to think about it?
shut up

god that was a fun night :)
thank you for inviting me
HAPPY SIXTEENTH BIRTHDAY RENI!!!!

xo

For Elise

you asked what urban dictionary was
i couldn't explain it properly so i thought id show you

ERIN
mine are quite good :p
1
Erin is a female who has the body of a goddess and the brain of a genius. Men are drawn to her good looks and her awesome sense of humour. Out of all the females in the world its the Erin's who rule.
guy: your just like Erin
girl: omg that's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me

2
The absolute most perfect girl in the world, and even her flaws are more beautiful than any other girl's perfections. She's the cutest thing on this earth =]
Erin I love you so much. You're my tiny little princess. =D

3
Lover of 7.5

4
Very beautiful and amazing , and talented , loved my many and very trustworthy,

5
Erin:(noun)(verb)(adjective); funny, cool, hot, awesome, nice to be around, an Irish beauty. Flirtatious, hysterical, the best person to fart around, she is pretty, hyper, wack, mad funny, drunk, and loves sugar. Erin is the best person over all.
Erin is Cool.

ELISE
yours aren't too bad either XD
1
A sexy combination of shyness, emo, and ass kicking. Spends at least 45 minutes on hair every day and is still never satisfied, even though it looks gorgeous.

2
perfection, pure perfection.

3
Cool person. People like her cause she doesn't follow crowds. she's just her. Good athlete, personality etc

4
With emerald green eyes, of perfection, that penetrate the mind, body, and soul that make for a complete seductive force, that can't be resisted. And there's nothing better, or more important.

5
There's no example, or explanation for her level or beauty, or perfection.

6
A girl with a nice rack on her.

7
Mad, mentally retarded but lovable and funny. Independent, stands out from the crowd in a good way.

8
An Elise can be recognized by it's split personality. Some call them bipolar, and other's view them as just being complicated. The Elise's, however, hardly even notice.

pretty much wikipedia of slang words
i think they like us though :p
stepho wasn't so lucky,
we still love you though Stepho XD
becs aren't too bad either

xo

To You

thank you
so much

i don't think you realise how much it meant for me to have you listen
i don't think you realise how much i needed that
but thank you for being there

thank you for letting me vent
for not judging
or even giving me advice/telling me what to do

I'm not much clearer on what i should do
but at least its not weighing me down as much

so thank you for being there
thank you for being such an amazing friend

i said it tonight and ill say it again
you'll never lose me
ill always be here for you no matter what

just like you are for me
especially tonight
it means the world to me

thank you

xo

BABE

i hope your okay
and I'm sorry if your upset

i love you

xo

falling

i worry sometimes that i depend on you too much
that i need you too much

so i pull away
i take a step back and i try to depend on others
to depend on myself



I'm scared.....
I'm scared that when we break up
ill collapse
that without you to depend on,
ill fall apart

i love you,
sometimes it seems like too much
more than i should
it scares me

xo

hmmm

i can't hear out of my right ear,



how lovely

xo

water

i think should start concentrating
trying, bothering
i think i should actually open the books rather then just looking at them
stop making excuses for not doing it
I've put it off for this long
i really should start

but i don't want to
and i have no self control
so i cant make myself

so instead i do everything i shouldn't do
and neglect what i really should be doing

i want to go in the pool
or to the beach
i really just want to swim
to dive under the waves and feel them crash down on top of me
to feel the freedom of being under water
where its silent, its cool, and where everythings just....good

i want to talk to him
i always feel better after talking to him
he make me feel, i don't know what the right word is,
happy maybe, free, like nothing matters
i seem to be able to laugh and muck around with him even when i feel like crap
it was always like this, but for some reason i only seem to talk to him once every month or so
i miss him sometimes

i want to see her
to laugh, to muck around, to joke, to tease each other
theres no pressure when its the two of us
its like we fit together perfectly
you make me happy,
as simple as that
i want to pass the football, to tackle each other, to just spend time together
its just so easy

i want to talk to you again
to not have this crap going on,
but to truly talk like we used to
before all this happened
before you started ignoring me

i want to go back a few weeks
to when times weren't as complicated
when i didn't have a million emotions messing up my head
I've ignored every one of them these last few weeks,
these last few days
but theres only so long that you can push them down and make them go away
because one day you'll explode and everything you've been hiding away, hoping that no one will ever see will be out there for everyone to see

do you know the one thing i hate more than anything else?
standing out
i hate being different
i hate drawing attention to myself
because then everyone notices you and you've left yourself open to them
when you're nobody you cant get hurt because theres no one there that truly knows you
when you stand out, when you let people in
that's when everything goes haywire
when i start to freak out

i hate emotions sometimes
they mess up situations and they complicate things
emotions take a simple situation and screw it up until they've managed to hurt everyone involved

i want to go swimming
to lose myself under water
because under water nothing matters
theres no stress, no worries, no problems
everything that's bothering you just floats away as you move

i want to swim until everything is over
until its just me and all the stress has disappeared
until emotions have gone and everything is how it should be

i just want to be under water away from everything

xo

damn

"Brilliant Hayne scoops Dally M Medal"

it could have been my favourite
or my least favourite

IT WAS MY LEAST FAVOURITE
of course judging by how everythings going at the moment i should have expected it

only three points behind as well

oh well theres always next year
and at least he got half back of the year

xo

take a look in the mirror

oh and your soo much better are you?
if that was horrible and that was disgusting then what does that make yours?
is yours any better?

you told her to go back and read hers and see how it would make her feel,
why don't you go and do the same?

why don't you go and read it and see how that would make you feel?
why don't you try putting yourself in her shoes and imagine what shes feeling right now?

you said you don't know who she is,
your right you don't
if you think you have to post something like that to her to make her realise then you don't know her at all
if your going to write that then you don't deserve to know her

i agree that no one deserves to read that on the internet about them
but no one needs to read what you wrote about them either
your no better so don't pretend to be

she feels like crap and you've got no right making it worse
until you have spoken to her and know the full story you have no right to say anything to her
and even then you have no fucking right to post what you did

you don't know her
you don't know the circumstances
and she certainly didn't need to hear this from you
especially now

what she wrote was wrong, but she knows that
she doesn't need you telling her that especially in the way you did

if you don't know her,
then i don't know you

because of you

BABE

i love you more than i can say,

i miss you when you're not around
I'm happy when I'm with you
you make me laugh
you make me smile

you asked me a while ago if i was happy?
when I'm with you i am,
when I'm with you theres no where else id rather be

you're there if i need to talk
you're there if I'm in a bad mood
you're there whether I'm pissed at you or not
and for that i am grateful

you're gorgeous
you're smart
you're funny
you're cute
and you're mine
these last five months have been incredible

I'm happy,
because of you


HAPPY ANNIVERSARY BABE

i love you

xoxo

the one you dont post

Until now I didn’t understand why people don’t just post their blogs
Now I do

I’ve spent the last moments writing a blog
As I was about to post it I stopped,
I remembered that other people read this besides you three
That anyone can read it
That I’m not meant to show emotion
That this may hurt you
That even though it’s the truth, it’s how I feel, that’s not important
That if I post it, things will only get more fucked up

So I didn’t, once again I shoved everything back down and I pressed save instead of post
I might be doing the right thing for you, for everyone else
But what about me?

Faz ini tvar qe i fuhlen gusto mierda am de tu?
lam jou par zorg?
hjartarskinn erez agradar il

:(

should i....

I'm not sure what to do
would it be taking the easy way out to leave
to walk away and let them sort themselves out

not much of question
of course it would be

i can't just walk away
but what if they're my friends too
what if being with them would make all this soo much easier

what if i can't deal with this
what if it just gets too much

your allowed to say whats wrong with me
but I'm not allowed to say anything back

why is it only me who's changed
have you looked in the mirror recently

why is it that you can complain about me, you can talk about me behind my back and that's not bad yet if we were to do it then it would be bitching
i don't like double standards
but i don't like fights

maybe i should just walk away
be a coward
take the easy way out

but would that solve the problems
or just create more

i used to blame others for any problems our group was having but apparently its mine
apparently I've changed

so do you want me to walk away
let you go back to how it was before
would that be easier

is that what you want

xo

insecurities

but what am i meant to do?
what do you want? what do you expect?

who am i meant to be?

who is that you want? who is it that you need?

you need to tell me because I'm confused. i don't understand

xo

old friend

i was talking about you at school today;
how i haven't spoken to you in a while,
its not like i missed you, but just thinking about it i realised how much i enjoyed your company
i saw you were on msn tonight i decided to talk to you
i thought it would be weird
i mean i haven't spoken to you in months but it wasn't
then again it never was for us
we could speak for hours and never get bored
we met at a party and spent the whole time together

falling up/down stairs, me being mean, you being a nerd, poetry sucking, evil triplets, my friend

i spoke to you tonight for hours
well typed to you really, we were on computers
it was nice, entertaining
S seemed excited about :p
we mucked around, you teased me as usual, i laughed at your work stories, we made up a story about what id been doing since my life is apparently boring, then wrote a song about how great i am
i am currently being teased about being heritage
XD

i think i should go on msn more often

xo

FUCK

Broncos 16 Cowboys 10
Gabe's gonna be hell

well their out of the finals now
i think i might cry
:(

damn

xo

just now

just went on msn for the first time in ages,
weeks, months, years even
well maybe not that long XD

it was funny
i got greeted the same way by all people
'WOW ERIN'
lol :p

i realised then how slowly i type

twas interesting
should go on more

xo

YAY

cowboys scored
O'Donnell who's playing centre tonight

at half time 10-4 to cowboys

:)

xo

Cowboys vs Broncos

I'm watching the football at the moment
lying on my lounge room floor with my brothers laptop

the video referee has just awarded the broncos a try which is absolute crap
the pass was forward, it wasn't grounded properly
referees should be slapped

anyway the broncos are playing the cowboys
channel nine currently
it should be a good game
well it is a good game

except the referees are dickheads
but everyone knows that

the score is currently 6-4 to the cowboys
difference being Thurston is a better kicker then Parker

cowboys try was incredible
one of the best trys I've seen
Tonga scored it
charge down by the cowboys, picked up by hunt, passed to lockyer, intercepted by Tonga
then Tonga scored
brilliant

Matt Scott is an idiot
all he had to do is catch the ball
you would think that if you were being paid hundreds of thousands of dollars to play football you could catch a ball
i guess not

their attacking now
Thurston has the ball
ahhh Thurston scores, but it was a knock on
damn

hmmm i probably shouldn't commentate this whole game aye
though I'm sure you'd love to read it K :p lol

ill just go back to watching it

ohh cowboys get the ball back, thank you thaiday for dropping it

so at the 27 minute mark the score 6-4 to the cowboys

GO COWBOYS!!!!!!!

xo

40 Hour Famine

12 hours and 6 minutes down
27 hours and 54 minutes to go

xo

i don't think you realise

thank you
for being there for me
for reminding me constantly
for putting up with me even when I'm being a bitch

i don't think you realise how much it means to me when you say that your there for me
I'm almost certain ill never take up your offer to talk about whats bothering me but it means more then you can imagine to me to know that if i was willing you would listen

I'm most probably not going to talk to you, because that's just who i am
but thank you for being there
thank you for caring
and thank you for being such a great friend

one day i might just take you up on that offer

i love you and I'm here if you ever need anything

xo

frustrating

i was right
now it throbs

xo

its interesting

i just realised how much easier it is to blog when I'm upset or angry
when life sucks i have something to write about
i can complain and rant without caring what others think because it isn't truly what I'm feeling
its harder to blog when I'm happy
when everythings going right i have trouble blogging I've noticed
its not that its not important, on the contrary there probably more important
its just that therefore my feelings about those events are more important to me and mean more
i cant express them as easily
it would mean showing myself in a way that I'm not used to

expressing any emotion is different but the deepest are most protected

i think that's why i haven't blogged much recently
life has been going well
I've been happier recently then i usually am

there has still been the usual crap moments
- maths assignment
- my boss
- my knee

but overall everything gone well
- semi was amazing
- the post was....entertaining
- work was fun
- netball training was brilliant
- Tuesday afternoon
my friends are incredible

i think they're what are different
work has always been fun
netball trainings usually good
but in general I've felt better recently

everythings falling into place recently
schoolies
America though you aren't going :(

all of which ill do which my friends

admittedly I've been friends with them for a while but until now theres been.......issues
recently it seems to be settling down
I've apparently 'changed sides' but from where i am that's not a bad thing
our group seems to be working again
all the clicks have settled down and we seem to be comfortable
I'm happy with that

it was terrible to see people upset because of certain people or situations
but i think most have been resolved now or at least each has moved on
I'm happy with that

my friends mean the world to me
i cant imagine my life without any of them

but i think I'm most comfortable now
the clicks we've found

B: we have our catch ups at random moments yet when everything falls apart its her that id turn to
G: we have such an easy relationship, yet shes one of my closest friends
N: i see her once or twice a week but there are moments when she cracks me up more then anyone else
L: work just wouldn't be the same without her. hot guys, noses, unknown fathers, gays guys :p

thank you
for making life entertaining
for making me happy

xo

IT HELD

just completed netball training for the first time in 4 or so weeks
i haven't run in weeks except for playing netball
it was very exciting being able to run without having shots of pain going through my knee

sprinting was brilliant
admittedly it was only the length of the netball court but still
i didn't realise how good it felt to be able to run
i missed it
ALOT

now hopefully it'll hold for a while
*touch wood*
but I'm not too positive
I'm sure ill wake up and it'll be throbbing

still though for tonight it was brilliant
no pain what so ever
I've missed that

I'm in a very good mood now
i love how running does that to me
i may be better at swimming but running clears my head and makes me feel better
I've missed that these last few weeks

outcome of tonight: I'M HAPPY :)

xo

i miss you

it was nice last night
we haven't spent time together for a while
I've missed you

i see you almost everyday
yet its not the same
it used to be easy now everything just seems to be a bit messed up

but

it felt different last night
like how it used to be

maybe its because you were less stressed then usual
you seemed more carefree and happy

or maybe their right and i have changed and for once i was back to my normal self just for that moment

we seemed to fit again last night
be able to muck around, enjoy ourselves
everything that's been bothering us lately seemed to disappear for a few short hours

i miss that
i miss being able to wander off and forget about everything
i miss not needing to forget anything
i miss seeing you happy and unstressed
i miss us
i miss you

everything is different now
its not a bad thing as such, just.....different
we've grown apart
it wasn't until recently that i realised how much
it wasn't until recently that i realised how much i missed it
how much i rely on you
how much i need you

its the old cliche of 'i need you to need me'
i need you there
i need you next to me
to hold my hand, to laugh at me, to tell me to swallow and breathe
i hadn't notice what a permanent fixture you'd become in my life
i cant imagine my life without you nor do i want to
yet recently I've felt like i might have to
i know your not leaving and i know you still love me
but its different now
just another thing that's different
you don't need me as much anymore
i may be your best but I'm not necessarily your closest
i miss that and i want it back

but that's not my choice to make is it?
i cant make you need me can i?
sometimes i wish i could
i know its selfish and i know its childish but i cant help it
humans are meant to be selfish creatures right?
well I'm proving it
i want us back to the way we used to be

we were last night for that brief amount of time
mucking around, laughing, falling on each other
it was just like its always been for us
easy

i know i cant change things and i know that this might be my fault
how can i be annoyed at you for getting closer to other people when I'm doing the exact same thing
i just wish it didn't come between us so much
its not on purpose and its not your fault or theirs
if anything its mine
i should have talked to you first
or payed more attention
i should be there for you more
and I'm sorry for that

I'm sorry for what your going through at the moment
and I'm sorry I'm contributing to it
I'm sorry if you feel like you in the middle or you have to take sides
i know its not easy and I'm part of it
I'm sorry i haven't been there for you like i promised myself i would be

but last night was good
last night was us
last night was before all this crap
last night was like year eight or nine again

i want us to go back to that
i want to be able to promise to be there for you and actually do it
i want to be who i was while still being who i am
and i want to be your best friend again

I'm sorry if their right
I'm sorry if I've changed
and I'm sorry if i hurt you

your my sister in everything but blood C i love you
and i miss you

xo

cowboys vs storm

12 - 26

a tad disappointing

xo

four months

i love you

Happy Anniversary babe

xo

a small piece of plastic

i never realised that a straw could be quite so amusing

1- the walk from HJ's to K's house
i don't think T and i have had as much fun since
i seem to manage to be doing something stupid each time i walk to or from K's house
and have fallen over many times XD

2- when R randomly had one in his bag on Saturday night
though it wasn't actually a HJ's straw, Maccas actually, but it doesn't make too much difference
still made me and T laugh

3- T thought of bringing one to school today
her blowing in my ear wasn't the funnest experiences but it did bring back memories
plus the look on her face when C soaked her with water as a result was more than worth it XD
T even managed for it to be a HJ's straw :p

4- at work tonight L questioning whether she could melt the straw by putting it under hot tap water
I'm not sure what was funnier the fact that she was thinking about it to start off with or that she actually tried
we spent 10 minutes standing next to the sink with her holding the straw in the water
a waste of time and water really but it kept us entertained :)
you can tell how much work i do :p

funny i never would have thought a cheap piece of plastic could be so entertaining
then again if this is what I'm blogging about I'm not surprised that a straw would entertain me :p
i think I'm too easily entertained
actually i change that statement, i KNOW I'm too easily entertained
yet it adds to the fun in life so I'm not complaining, ill just wait for the next straw incident XD

xo

34 - 18

even though T blogged about it first i decided i still should
though I'm surprised that i didn't do it yesterday

Friday night
cowboys play titans
at the titans home ground

i was at an 18th which turned out to be boring so i watched the game
then again faced with the choice i would have chosen to watch it anyway

i think id chose it over almost anything

so run down of the game
BRILLIANT

obviously the cowboys won
34-18 to be exact

made out to be the game between the two greatest half backs in the game
it wasn't really much of a competition
thurston made prince look like he was playing toyota cup

the queensland derby was won by the north and the titans home game winning streak was broken by the worlds greatest player (thurston) and his side kick (bowen)

it was a weekend of upsets though
cowboys beat titans 34 - 18
broncos were embarrassed by canberra 0 - 56
st george beat melbourne 26 - 12
penrith and warriors drew 32 - 32
roosters smashed newcastle 30 - 18

the only one anyone would have picked was
bulldogs vs souths 26 - 18

the overall message from the weekend
the cowboys won
and

thurstons brilliant

:p

xo

Round 21

COWBOYS vs titans

1- m. bowen
2- m. bani
3- t. williams
4- w. tonga
5- j. williams
6- g. rovelli
7- j. thurston
8- s. tronc
9- a. watts
10- m. scott
11- c. webb
12- s. bolton
13- s. southern
14- t. burns
15- a. kaufusi
16- s. rapira
17- j. tamou
18- d. weston
19- m. manuokafoa

date: 31 july 2009
venue: skilled park
time: 7.35pm
coverage: LIVE ON NINE

pity i wont be home to watch it



still im sure i can find a tv there :p

GO COWBOYS

xo

moods

i went to school today in a pretty average mood
it was Monday so i wasn't particularly happy to be there
i was tired so that didn't add to it
i was slightly cold since i have lost my jumper
but nothing particularly bad had happened
overall i was in a good mood

for a Monday anyway :p

by the time i got home i was in a bad mood
well not bad as such, just....sad maybe, slightly depressed

nothing bad or upsetting happened to me today at school yet my mood had changed dramatically when i got home to when i had left that morning
it funny how the emotions of people around you affect you

both my best friend and girl friend were quiet today
C was upset
i know that for sure
what about is another question entirely
I'm not sure if shes wants to talk or if its something I've done but shes upset and that made me upset

then my girlfriend
K was quiet also, or in T's words broody
there in body but not in mind i think she said
I'm not sure whats worrying her either
I've got ideas but I'm not certain
watching her today she looked soo sad
I'm not sure what I'm meant to do

I've never noticed before how much these two affect me
how much their moods affect mine
i just wish i could help them

I'm worried that C wont talk to me about it
or that its about me
i know that things have changed recently, that apparently I've changed but your still my best friend and i love you
and i would do anything for you, all you have to do is ask
I'm worried about you and i just want you to be happy

K is different
K doesn't need me
so I'm not quite sure what to do
i know somethings bothering you
and i know its bothering you a lot because of the look on your face and how quiet you are
yet I'm not sure if you'll tell me
if I'm the one you'll talk to
you have soo many other people to talk to, that you already talk to that you don't particularly need me for it
but I'm still worried about you
so I'm here if you need me
i love you K


theres a quote
'i live for the ones i love, my friends and family'
I'm not sure who said, where its from, or even where i found it
all i know is that i read it somewhere and I've remembered it ever since

my friends are my family and i would do anything for my family
i love you

and remember I'm here if you need anything

xo

how disappointing

28-20

:(

xo

Cowboys vs Panthers

Saturday 25th July 2009
7.30pm

COWBOYS

1 Matthew Bowen
2 Michael Bani
3 Ty Williams
4 Willie Tonga
5 John Williams
6 Grant Rovelli
7 Johnathan Thurston [c]
8 Shane Tronc
9 Travis Burns
10 Matthew Scott
11 Carl Webb
12 Scott Bolton
13 Steve Southern

Subs:
14 Steve Rapira
15 Antonio Kaufusi
16 James Tamou
17 Manase Manuokafoa
18 Dayne Weston

GO COWBOYS!!!

xo

Ward 9A North

i hate hospitals

maybe its because of the time i spent there when i was younger?
or because you never go there unless somethings wrong?
or because you know that some of the people you see there wont make it?

when i was little i had ear problems
i had something growing in my ears that shouldn't be there

the doctor was quite surprised because its rare
so he decided that it wouldn't go away and that it would have to be removed
that required an operation and while i wasn't a bad kid the one thing i hated more than anything else was needles
so needless to say mum and dad were quite worried when they heard this because it would require quite a few needles
i was 6 years old at this stage
so i went to the hospital, layed in the bed, got the drip inserted into my hand after mum bribed me and dad restrained me then got wheeled off into this massive white room surrounded by masked faces of people i didn't know
for a 6 year old that was scary enough let alone the fact that i then needed another needle for the anesthetic
thankfully the doctor was nice and told me a story while they were putting the needle in. i still remember it
it involved a park and white horses
i also remember that the needle still hurt

a few weeks later i went back to the specialist and he realised that they hadn't removed it all so i had to go through the whole process again

at seven years old i had 2 operations, gone to movie world and kicked dad a couple of million times when he restrained me

year three was a bad year
the specialist realised that not only did i have this growth in my left ear but also my right
this growth was incredibly rare...to have it in one ear was unusual but to have it in both was unheard of
my specialist liked me then
not only was i young but i was different
my condition was interesting, not something he saw everyday

so i went through 3 more operations until they deemed my ears to be acceptable
i was left with something like 1/2 my hearing in my left ear and 1/4 of it in my right, a scar behind my right ear and one on my right hand where multiple needles were inserted.by the last operation and the needles to come i hardly reacted to them, i still flinch and i still hate them but no longer do i need to be restrained or bribed. I've gone though it soo much that I've gotten used to it

i haven't broken a bone or been badly injured yet i have had 5 operations...the best part is though that the doctors expect me to need more in the future

this period in my life has left me with a hatred of hospitals
just visiting someone in one is terrible. i feel uncomfortable and slightly sick remembering all the times i was in there

i had to go this afternoon to visit someone

as i walked in i felt small again
such a massive building full of people who were sick or injured
some of whom wont leave
it brought back memories and i hated it
as i walked along i got more and more uncomfortable
as we past the beds and doorways i began to wish that i had never come
i knew that she would appreciate it but it really was hard

the worst part was seeing her though
lying in the bed with tubes attached she looked soo fragile and old
if i was worried before i was even more so now

it was hard sitting there and making conversation without reliving my memories
as we talked about the food i remembered when D and L were there and D ate all 3 of the jellies
when ever she adjusted the tube at her nose i remembered the pain of getting the drip put in my hand
as bed were wheeled around i remembered being on them being wheeled into surgery

i know she appreciated the visit
and I'm happy i made the effort
yet i wish i didn't have to
the memories, the smell, the feel
its all the same and its still as painful

i hope she gets better soon
I'm worried and i really don't want to have to go back
i know that sounds bad but i cant handle it

as i walked out the door of the hospital it was one of the best feelings I've felt
i hate that place, whether I'm a patient, visiting or just looking at a picture
i hate it

i never want to go back

please get better soon
I'm worried about you

xo

dont ask.....trust me

i should be doing my homework....
i've got enough since i keep putting it off....
but instead i chose to watch tv....
what came from it?....

there once was a man from nantucket
who decided to live in a bucket
he got too fat,
so had to move out
and that's the story of the man from nantucket

:p

dad and i really should watch tv together more often XD

xo

sucks aye

west tigers - cowboys
34 - 14

:(

xo

cowboys vs west tigers

cowboys

1- m. bowen
2- m. bani
3- t. williams
4- w. tonga
5- j. williams
6- g. rovelli
7- j. thurston
8- s. tronc
9- a. watts
10- m. scott
11- c. webb
12- s. bolton
13- s. southern
14- m. manuokafoa
15- a. kaufusi
16- t. burns
17- s. rapira
18- j. tamou

hopefully thurston will have a better game then wednesday night, but is anyone really doubting it?
he is brilliant after all :p

GO COWBOYS!!

xo

am i obsessed?

so i went to see harry potter today and decided i should blog about it

i, like soo many others love the harry potter series
i probably am obsessed, but really whats wrong with that?
its funny my mum used to complain about me reading them too much
while other parents were trying to make their child read, sometimes even resorting to bribes, mine were hiding the books or threatening to ground me if i didn't put them down

i, like about half the population love this series
I'm not quite sure what it is about this series which makes it different from other fantasy novels, but it just is
maybe its the fact that although magic doesn't exist we can all relate to certain characters
maybe its because the lives shes created are soo fascinating yet deal with issues we also do
maybe its because we've all managed to fall in love with one character or another

i, like soo many others waited and counted the days until the next book came out, then spend the next few days being incredibly anti-social just to finish it in the shortest space of time possible
these books have been on my bookshelf for years
i have read them 10 or more times each
yet they never get boring or lose their 'magic'
i have my favourite books
prisoner of azkaban
half-blood prince
deathly hallows
order of the phoenix
goblet of fire
chamber of secrets
philosophers stone
yet i love them all

i, like soo many others have waited for the next movie to be announced, for the trailer to come out and then for it to finally be released
each time they were i would go out and see them as quickly as possible
i loved them
as much as i would critique them and complain that they missed parts or didn't included certain characters enough
i loved them

i, like soo many others waited for this movie to be released and went and saw it at first opportunity.
i saw it this morning and my first reaction...
it was good but it wasn't great
i enjoyed it and i thought it was funny but it wasn't special...it wasn't the book
it was the books storyline but it wasn't it

where was the conversation between the ministers?
where were bill and fleur?
where were the rest of the memories?
why didn't harry find out that it was snape who told voldermort about the prophecy?

as much as i loved it, it annoyed me. it missed and changed soo much

but....
maybe they shouldn't have burnt down peoples houses, cut out important relationships or changed the way events occurred.....
or maybe i should stop critiquing it to the point when i no longer watch the movie but think about the book
yes they changed it but did i really expect them to keep it the same?
no i didn't, i just wish they could have

overall it was a good movie
it was funnier then i expected
the acting was surprisingly good
bellatrix was mad as usual
remus was in it
relationships finally began to occur

but best of all...

Draco was in it
looking hot as usual :p

so am i obsessed?

yes, probably

is that a bad thing?

no, probably not

am i in love with Malfoy?

yes, most definitely :p

xo

when it all falls apart

there are moments when you realise places, people or things that you believed would live forever aren't quite as invincible as first glance
all your beliefs can be destroyed by two simple sentences....

she had a fall
she might not even make it through the operation

in those two sentences you have made me question everything i believed.
they have been there my whole life. how can i now start to believe that one day they wont be there?
i knew that this would come one day but why now?

then, when i ask whats going on you tell me not to worry
but is that true?

or is it just you treating me like a little kid again

but it doesn't matter what you say. it doesn't matter what you tell me
I'm worried

I'm worried because their old
I'm worried because we were expecting this
I'm worried because we've been expecting this for ages yet i never believed the time would actually come
I'm worried because their family
I'm worried because they've always been there
I'm worried because they feature in so many family stories yet they could soon be gone
I'm worried because at times i forget and i feel guilty
I'm worried that I'm not worried enough
I'm worried because i cant imagine my life without them
I'm worried because i don't want to have to try
I'm worried because i might soon have to
I'm worried because no matter what has happened you two have been constant
I'm worried because now your not
I'm worried because i might need to say goodbye soon
I'm worried because I'm really not ready
I'm worried because i don't know how
I'm worried because i know that i cant do anything to stop this
I'm worried because no matter what you say i know its coming and i don't want it to
I'm worried because i know your worried

I'm scared and there's nothing i can do

just don't leave me yet


please

xo

origin

nsw 28 - qld 16

well that sucks doesnt it

xo

battle of the states

the series has been won but 3-nil still sounds good :p

Queensland

1. Billy Slater
2. Darius Boyd
3. Greg Inglis
4. Justin Hodges
5. Willie Tonga
6. Darren Lockyer (c)
7. Johnathan Thurston
8. Steve Price
9. Cameron Smith
10. Matt Scott
11. Ashley Harrison
12. Sam Thaiday
13. Dallas Johnson

Interchange
14. Karmichael Hunt
15. David Shillington
16. Neville Costingan
17. Michael Crocker

GO QUEENSLAND!!!!!!

xo

from the bottom of my heart

so I'm not sure if u'll read this again
and i am also aware that i have already said this but i feel the need to repeat myself

I'm sorry
from the bottom of my heart I'm sorry

i know that i hurt you because you said as much
and i know that for you to have told me it must have hurt a lot
so i truly am sorry

your one of my best friends
you mean the world to me
chemistry and legal would suck without you
and i most probably would have been killed by someone for annoying them if you weren't there
and i most probably would i have killed myself if you weren't there to keep me company while everyone else payed attention

b
i love you and I'm sorry
i truly mean that from the bottom of my heart

xo

expectations and masks

superficial, fake, artificial
different from shallow, false or phony
although many would consider them the same

the first are an act, the emotions aren't real, they're simply a mask put in place to hide whats underneath
the second are wrong, they're real emotions and feelings used to hide who they truly are from those around them

the first is used to protect themselves, the second is used to change themselves

whats wrong with covering up what you feel, with showing no emotion, why shouldn't we each create a mask that we only let own around certain people



whats wrong with never letting that mask down


the problem is that although you may start with that plan it never works out for you, one day you will be forced to drop the facade and you must know then who you truly are.....


i have a mask and it works perfectly. people have stopped caring about how i feel each second of the day
they no longer seem to worry how events affect me
they seem to think that insults and sneers just bounce off my back....and that's what i want them to think

my mask is built from whats inside, from my true personality
i am sarcastic- but that doubles as a defence mechanism
i don't cry- but that just makes me seem tough
i do argue- but that just makes it seem like i don't care
all of these are who i am, i just build on them and make them seem more noticeable in order to create my mask

this mask that makes insults slide off, sneers disappear and problems go away
this mask that makes people assume that i feel nothing and that i don't care
this mask that makes even my best friend forget when I've almost started crying to her because obviously it doesn't really matter

this mask has helped me bypass conversations about feelings that i really don't want to endure

but what happens when you find someone you can drop this mask around
what happens when theres someone there who can see past the facade
there are many people that i partially drop this mask for, s and t particularly, but what if you find someone else
then comes the problem of letting down that mask because when that's who you've become to everyone else its hard to become someone different, even your true self, for someone else
this leaves you open to getting hurt
with my mask i can cover my feelings, I'm expected to cover my feelings if to feel anything at all
my mask gives me the strength to ignore the insults, to let the snide comments waste away
but even they hurt, even they affect me....its just no one notices
or i don't let anyone

without the mask id be open to anything
so is it worth it
well the question really is
is she worth it????
is it worth leaving myself open to be hurt to be myself with her?
is it worth risking myself for her?
is it worth dropping my mask, this facade for her?

funnily enough its not really a question
the simple answer yes
and even though it scares the shit out of me i know its worth it, that shes worth it

i love you k

now i just need to work out who i am without my mask.....

xo

my one wish

i feel sick and i wish you were here.....








.....but your not so i guess ill just have to try and sleep



i miss you
i love you
i wish you were here

good night.sweet dreams

xo

the good and the not so good

cowboys vs sharks

24-4



THE GOOD

cowboys
4 tries- bowen 2, j williams, t williams
3 conversions- thurston 3
1 penalty goal- thurston

24

sharks
1 try- wright

4




AND THE NOT SO GOOD

injuries

12th minute- aaron payne: rotator cuff injury
minutes later- luke o'donnell: 1-2 medial ligament tear in right knee
second half- john williams: badly corked thigh

all cowboys, all left the field, all brilliant players




yet the cowboys still won .........
amazing isn't it XD

ricky stuart (sharks coach) summed the game up pretty well...
"we had a chance until thurston took control....hes a class player....you have him in the team and you win by 40"

they didn't win by 40 but still with 3 players injured, a one man bench, pretty amazing performance don't you think?

and what did it come down to? great defence, queensland style determination, players like bowen and williams,
............and the class and brilliance of jonathan thurston

all in all i wish i had gotten to watch it :p

xo

you

90 days
12 weeks
3 months
a quarter of a year


your gorgeous and funny
you make me laugh, you make me groan and you make me want to hit you more times then can be imagined yet never can cause you look too adorable :p


i love you


happy anniversary babe

xoxo

interesting to say the least

so i had some friends over last night.....

it was great; almost a night you’d expect to see on movies. an incredibly cliché and girly sleepover
we played truth or dare, watched a chick flick and fell asleep in a massive pile...the only things we didn’t do was each others makeup, paint our toenails or have a pillow fight- although that was suggested :p

its kinda funny how comfortable you can be with some people. i mean some of the dares were quite....interesting to say the least, yet we all did them because with that group it was fun. it wasn’t awkward or uncomfortable, there was no one looking down their noses at us or backing out halfway

in that group we were comfortable to be ourselves and to act however we wanted. and we found out quite a lot XD

we saw s’s inability to ‘dance’
t’s ability to make a dress out of a towel
heard how much k had drunk in a week
and discovered my distaste for rum

its rather funny how much fun last night was....when i first asked mum if they could come over she asked why
my response “because i want to play truth or dare”
hers “why are you inviting that group, i can’t imagine some of them playing it”

but it shows how little she knows some people in my group...the first people she thought would play properly, besides k, were the last two people who would. they would be the first two people to look down their noses at us and would have the raised eyebrow facial expression we all know soo well on
yet mum doesn’t see that; she sees them as confident and eager to play....funny the difference a little insight makes

and i hope this doesn’t make it sound like i hate then or something. i don’t. i love them and i wouldn’t trade them for anyone....it’s just that, well i don’t think they would have enjoyed the game like this group did. The way we played it was fun, but i don’t think they would have liked it

the group that came was amazing....a hell of a lot of fun and we have the pictures to prove it. not that many of them will ever be seen by others XD

so to the group that came last night, thank you for playing, thank you for who you are and thank you for who i can be around you

thank you
s for your ‘interesting’ jelly beans
k for your ‘water’ bottle
t for the position you held blocking the door when necessary :p

we will have to do it again sometime when m and r can come too

xo

first post

so it would appear i have a blog....


quite obvious i know but i think thats my style
go for the obvious cause that way if people get annoyed its partly there fault cause they should have seen it coming

u'll be quite happy with this development
you might finally get to know what i truly think and feel
you along with the rest of the world
but if it makes you happy then i guess its worth it
worth putting myself on the line and for once in my life giving myself the opportunity to express what i feel

so thats what this is
a place to vent, a place to scream and yell (in word form obviously) a place for you, most of all, to know what goes on in my head

i cant promise i will blog often though i will try my hardest
i cant promise the spelling will be accurate as i dont often try
i cant promise it wont be sarcastic as thats my usual tone
and i cant promise i wont bitch about people but i mean no offence and its purely me venting

all i can promise is that its what i feel and what matters to me
hopefully thats good enough for everyone

for now thats all...

xo